Friday, 11 January 2013

Glowing heart

Well, I've officially been lost in baby la-la land for almost 2 1/2 months now... I suppose it's time for an update!  I feel like I have so much to write about, and since I haven't emptied any of my thoughts in so long, I'm not quite sure how this will turn out... probably some baby lovin' mess of a post.

I have spent many a night/ afternoon/morning ...etc.. gazing at our little creation... thinking deep thoughts about life- or sometimes not even thinking at all. I frequently tell myself " right after she falls asleep/ is finishing feeding I'll go write on my blog"... and then that happens, and I find myself paralysed by wonder and amazement. I usually stare at her a little more while she sleeps, listen to some music, and thoroughly enjoy every little movement she makes. And then I go nowhere, and soon getting up to the computer is a lost though.
I have been indulging in some good old fashioned journaling in the journal I'm keeping for her though. All writing hasn't been lost. ;)

I think another reason the "blogging" has slowed down ( besides the obvious "free time" issues that come with the busy routines of feeding, changing, bathing, entertaining, playing, snuggling & dancing)... is that I have been spending less time reflecting and stressing about little things, and more time enjoying the moment.
I feel like Oaklee makes me sit and enjoy the moment, even when there are a dozen things going on around me. Try multitasking and breastfeeding! Its not something I want to do ;) So I get to sit and enjoy her at least every 3 hours ;) ... see!

Hmm, so now that I'm sitting here and actually doing this- what am I going to write about? I've grown so much in the last few months, I hardly even recognise myself and feel like I have the writers equivalent to verbal diarrhea. That's what happens when you spend all day spoiling your baby with snuggles and smiles...

Spoiling a baby.... interesting concept. I've thought a lot about this, mainly because its one of those things you always hear in random chit chat in the baby world.
I guess I will probably spoil my baby... if spoiling her means loving her to pieces and consoling her as much as I can... showing her that I am there for her, and she can trust me as her safe place. It really is too hard not too. Loving and taking care of her is technically my only "job" right now anyways ( thank you mat leave).  And can you really love a baby too much?
Its strange what working for a short time on paediatrics did to me as a new mother.  I probably wouldn't have half of these thoughts if I hadn't. I find my heart aching for all of the parents that had to watch their children's health fail, or...worst. I find myself slightly terrified, knowing that in an instant, lives can change and the little person you love more than anything imaginable could be taken. ( I know I shouldn't even think of that... but its hard not to).  Some bits of conversations with patients parents that seemed to be buried deep in the nursing vault, have made a reappearance in my mind as of late.  " Cherish every moment you have with them... take lots of pictures.... enjoy every stage- even the hard ones.... you can never love them too much... if only I had of known...."  * gulp... getting a little choked up here now*
I always have known that life is precious and we need to drink it all in-- don't sweat the small stuff... etc.  I guess I never really felt it until little Oaklee entered my life.  I thought I did---but not on this level. I guess that's because I love her so deeply.  If you asked me a few months ago what I love, I would ramble off a pretty good list! My man, Rob (of course)... my family, friends & my dogs... I love travelling and hooping and nice glass of wine after a long day... and lots more.
There should be a different word invented to describe the 'love' you feel for your child... because it feels so much bigger than anything you've ever known. You love them so much, sometimes it actually hurts... like your heart is growing and glowing larger and brighter than the sun. And then... just when you think your heart has expanded to its full loving capacity--- a little smile or brush of their hand against your skin--- makes you even more in "love". It truly is the best feeling in the world, maybe only fathomable to those who have experienced it themselves.
So yes--- if attempting to shower my baby with as much of this overflowing love as possible, while I am gifted the time to do so, qualifies as spoiling.... I'm sorry world.... but I have no choice in the matter.
Ahh... I've been out here a while--- after all that love talk---- I need to go check on my little pumpkin all snug in her bed and make sure she is still sleeping safe and sound.
Just joking... ;)
okay- I'm totally not joking... and just went in the room for a little peek and she is just fine ;) Guilty.

Well- as much as I would like to clear my head of more new mommy news... I think I have exhausted my thoughts for tonight.

Off to bed and feeling very thankful for where life has taken us.
Goodnight moon xox

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