Saturday, 27 October 2012

40+6 - The recluse

I have always thought of myself as a pretty open and out there type of person, however these last few weeks I have began to discover a new person inside. The recluse.
I have a new found love at the present moment for privacy, alone time, and reflection. 
I have spent a lot of time thinking and actually enjoying those moments of solitude.
My dogs love it because they seem to be getting extra attention. They cant talk or ask any questions ( other than the ones I imagine n my head).
I have been trying to use this extra time with little miss inside to prepare my body with nightly meditation and relaxing morning and evening soaks in the tub ( lukewarm- not hot ;), lots of walking and the occasional bathroom dance party. Don't judge.

I know that all of my family and friends are beyond excited to meet our little creation and it feels great to know that there is a mountain of support behind us. I just feel that I can't really participate in all of the hype at this very moment.  I need the quiet. 
Yes I'm excited, and yes I know she is coming any day now... Its the beginning of a new and beautiful life- however its also somewhat of the ending of an old one.  This quiet time is serving as an important transition period for me... calmly helping me slip from one role in my own life to another.  I'm a thinker, and not usually a "sayer," about most things.... and I think that maybe now that most of all my physical nesting symptoms have left- my emotional nesting is in high gear.  My "home" is ready... and now I'm just working on wrapping my head around it.  I bet I will really savour the alone time and bonding with her on the outside once she's here.

For some reason- a certain experience I had while working on paediatrics keeps on sticking out in my head- and makes me a little teary and excited when I think about it.  Occasionally ( much to frequently actually), we would get children as patients that were more social admissions... failing to thrive for various reasons- whether it be circumstance, neglect or an undiagnosed medical issue.  One little boy ( close to a year old- but looking and behaving like an infant), always seemed to fall under my care, and as much as I knew I should not form too much of a strong bond with him, after multiple weeks of seeing his sweet face it was impossible not to. I'm sure I loved him, and I definitely loved caring for him and being his nurse. He needed a lot of cuddling and consoling, sometimes it seemed like you were holding him for hours while still trying to care for the rest of the ward.  One night I had him swaddled trying to console him to sleep ( this was still in my days of boycotting having children of my own ever)... there I was walking around the room, rocking and swaying and humming.... when I caught a glimpse of myself in the bedside mirror.  It was such a strange moment with myself.  I stayed in front of the mirror and continued to soothe him to sleep- swaying back and forth... while imagining myself as a mother with my own child... wondering if I looked funny with a baby in my arms. Feeling not so horrible about  maybe bringing a child into the world someday... but feeling love and feeling important to be able to care for this person who needed comfort and protection. I really loved my job at that moment- even though it was such an easy moment- it was one that apparently I will never forget.  I remember feeling so happy inside when he finally fell asleep in my arms, and as I placed him in his heart melted and I think a little part of me changed.  I keep thinking about that moment, and feeling reassured that I will really love being a mother, because surely that feeling has to be intensified times a million when it is a being you carried for 40+ weeks and brought into this world.
I wonder why these moments didn't pop into my head during the early ( terrified) stage of pregnancy...?
Everything in its own time I guess.

Anyways-- now that I am feeling thoroughly mushy again... I have a couple minor confessions to make.

Confession number one: I have been cheating on my blog. Yes- that's correct. I have been cheating on my blog with a journal ( real life- pen and paper journal).  Interesting eh.  Maybe you remember the post I wrote about writing a letter to my "unborn child"? Well, I did that, and then, having the word vomit that I do when I start writing; that letter turned into a fairly regular journal of documented emotions, facts about her parents, life, ect ect.  A bit of turning away from me and speaking directly to her. It sounds silly probably, but it has really helped me prepare to meet her ( especially finding a peaceful place to read it aloud to my belly).  She knows I am ready whenever she decides to make her grand entrance. 

Confession number two:  We had some beautiful maternity pictures done before I left the island ( around 38 weeks).  Some are appropriate for everyone to see and some are a little more private ( as in no pants- private).  I love them, and when I look at them they make me smile.  But I (we) haven't shared them. Is that strange? We will probably frame them and they will be scattered all throughout our house and given to close friends and family, but we are selfishly keeping them to ourselves-- little pieces of personal moments shared between two soon-to-be new parents- embarking on a new stage in a relationship and in life.  I might post a few on here soon- since I seem to post most of my private moments here, but I have had no interest ( even maybe a bit of an uneasy feeling) to post them for all of the facebook world to see.

Confession number 3: This post has been mostly written and not posted for a couple days--- partly due to confession number 1... so please excuse if some dates are messed up, and it seems a little broken.

So now that I have gotten those off my chest- I guess I owe a little bit of an update since I am officially past due. I'm currently 40 weeks and 6 days along. Almost a week overdue- which the doctors ( and many moms with labor stories) have told me is quite normal with a first baby. The first of the week, I will go for another doctors appointment where they will make sure ( with fetal monitoring, ultrasound, ect) that the baby is still healthy, and more than likely book some sort of induction date in case she still the hasn't made an appearance by the end of the week.
This makes me a little sad, because I was hoping not to need an induction ( I'm sure you've heard me rant about not wanting pitocin at some point, and all the controversy that goes with it)..... but in the end-- I have to do what is safest for baby. You know, do the whole-- risks vs benefits-- thing.
They haven't offered to "start me" so far..
.... and I still have faith that she will come on her own before we get to that point.....
........ fingers and toes are crossed.... but I still feel pretty good about it even though we are getting close.
Mother's intuition perhaps?

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