Tonight I am stir crazy.
Tomorrow morning we leave at 7am... to head for our much anticipated ultrasound.
I have just spent close to an hour and a half in the shower.....staring... wondering... hoping... and praying that we will get good news of a normal, healthy baby.
I feel like I have a healthy little babe inside me, but my mind is on overdrive x10.
I wonder if other soon to be moms have as much crazy and worrisome things run through their heads prior to an ultrasound... or if my experience working on paediatrics and neonatal has made me overly paranoid about all of the possible complications, syndromes and birth anomalies I have already seen.
I also feel like I shouldn't even write or think about these things because I don't want to attract any "force of the universe" in that direction ( yes- I realise how completely crazy that sounds to some people, but my mother made me read "The Secret" at some point... and now.. well like I said... my brain's on overdrive).
I realise that people deal with things like that everyday-and that it doesn't lessen a miracle of life- but I also have seen how challenging, stressful and what a complete life change it brings, on top of adjusting to an already new stage in life. I also don't know if I am one of those amazingly strong people with the courage and mindset to deal with those unexpected challenges.
That's what I'm nervous about....
I also am ridiciously anxious. Doing my hair, trying to pick out an outfit, packing healthy snacks for the trip, laying out my prenatal vitamin..... ( for anyone who knows me.... I'm not much of a planner.... so all of that is a little odd). I've even done my prenatal yoga dvd... twice. It's a little like I am getting ready for a first date...a blind first date.... I know I'll be meeting someone very special for the first time ( the first time in the shape of a human rather than a little blob that is), and my heart could skip a beat just thinking about it.
In fact, if I think about it too much I mind even tear up a little ( yesss... again)
I'm excited to see the look on a strong mans face when he sees his tiny baby on the screen. That makes me smile. It seems like it will make it all more "real" in so many ways.
On the bright side... the past two days I have 100% for sure- felt some little jabs, rolls, or hiccups... Faint enough that I need to sit quietly and feel... but strong enough that there is no denying that is not regular stomach growls and gas. That should be enough to stop my worrying... but I think just writing (errr..typing) it down and getting it out of my head helped a lot..Funny how that happens. ( thanks blog!)
Well- I think I will paint my nails, finish the laundry and TRY to snuggle in for the night.
Of course the one thing I did forget to do is pre-book a ferry ticket ( like I said--- planning--- not so good)... and 630am comes early.
..... eeeeek! just at this very moment felt some little movements again.... I think baby is trying to tell me to stop worrying and go to sleep instead :) ... okay little one- you win :)